3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
