I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
He has the fingertips of a God
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