He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
