I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
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