either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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