I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
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