Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
