Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
