We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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