my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
