I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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