Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
