matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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