This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
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