Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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