He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
