just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
