He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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