They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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