Hey man sorry I got all grabby
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
