I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Randomize
