You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
