I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
