Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
