Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
He did a backflip because drugs
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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