There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
