I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
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my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
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That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
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