The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Ketchup is God's man juice
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
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then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
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In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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