i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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