Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Dating After Heartbreak
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.