Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.