We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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