Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
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You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
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It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
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