I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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