Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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