Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
