Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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