Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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