quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
