I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
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you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
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We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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