Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
