Ketchup is God's man juice
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
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