I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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