rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
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