I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I came so hard my ears popped.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
