1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
