my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
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