Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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