there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
