hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
23 Proposal Horror Stories You Won’t Believe
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off