I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.