I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Randomize
