my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
