Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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